People that want to cross an unhealthy line in your life are seeking control. They want to manipulate and control you. People that struggle with fear, shame, and guilt need to control the world to feel safe. They hate to hear the word “no” and feel entitled to YOU (thoughts, body, feelings, money, time, etc.)
If you have any wall up that keeps them out, they see it as a rejection. They think you want to shut them out because something is wrong with them. In order to feel good about themselves, they must get rid of the boundary.
The person that pushes past boundaries struggles with toxic emotions. While, the person that allows others to push past their boundaries struggles with people pleasing and asserting their opinions.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are defined as “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line” according to the definition in Oxford Languages. Ultimately, a boundary is a line that keeps unhealthy things out of your life.
Think of boundaries as a fence. This fence keeps unhealthy things out of your heart, mind, and body. Boundaries keep people from overstepping into our space. They ensure that we are not taking on the problems, lust, and thoughts of others. Nor, pushing them to take on our problems, lust, and thoughts.
Boundaries are not to punish someone. They are to protect you and the other person – from going too far too soon. Boundaries are to redirect. Redirect both people to the true healer, fixer, and lover – God.
20 Signs You Have No Boundaries While Dating:
These signs will help you determine if you are not using boundaries in your relationship. If you find that your relationship has many of these signs — You are in a toxic relationship.
In toxic relationships, you have two unhealed people that are stuck in a pattern of behavior that causes emotional pain. If the other person continues to cross your boundaries and forces you to meet their expectation, you may be dating someone with a mental health disorder.
- You have problems saying no
- You can’t accept no for an answer
- People can change your mind easily
- You will do what’s necessary to change peoples’ mind
- You allow people to keep hurting you
- You feel responsible for peoples’ emotions
- You blame others for things you may have done wrong
- You constantly try to say the right thing to avoid misunderstandings
- I expect others to be careful with all my emotions
- You fall in love quickly
- They micromanage your money, diet, physical fitness, etc.
- You over share information with strangers
- You ask whatever personal questions you want to people
- You let people into your personal space quickly
- You expect to be best friends and talk a lot with people you have met less than a month
- You emotionally explode on your partner instead of taking it to God
- You feel entitled to hear people’s thoughts and personal stories
- You are codependent and need someone else to feel better
- You are talking super late/long on the phone and you are alone with each other for extended periods of time and late in the night.
- You allow everything to go too far and you are left wanting to have sex. If you are doing simple pop kisses and simple touching you shouldn’t be burning for sex. However, you will lust if you are crossing the Christian dating physical boundary list: touching below the waist, touching of boobs, oral sex, dry humping, extensive making out, touching of butt, and long passionate rubbing that incites sexual feelings.
Related Article: 10 Emotional Needs That Destroy Relationships!
Need help navigating dating? I can spiritually mentor you and help you avoid the common pitfalls in Christian dating!
Why are boundaries important?
Don’t ever forget: You are dating and you are not married. Here are 32 signs you are not ready for marriage. Until you are married, even if you have a ring, it is not official. It’s the saddest thing when women and men give away their pearls, only to break-up later.
In the dating phase, you should be getting to know if the man is truly a man of God and if he is compatible with you. Many people rush and focus too much on attraction that they miss all the signs that their man is immature and nothing like them!
Boundaries are important because it ensures that two people are not doing too much in a relationship. Why perform marriage duties when they are dating?! Too many people start doing wifely duties and taking the role of God in their man’s life while dating. Without boundaries, you are not ready for marriage.
Emotional boundaries in Christian dating stop us or our partner from doing too much. We or they make become overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for each others emotions. This type of caring can become so codependent and unhealthy. God and a therapist should be the one helping people to do deep emotional work, not us. It is not their responsibility nor our responsibility to make anyone happy!
Physical boundaries will help you both to manage your sexual appetite. Do not awaken love before it’s time or you may be tempted to go all the way in sexual endeavors. Avoiding sex and situations that cause sexual tensions allows us time to get to know the person, grow in self-control, gives us time to seek God on the situation, and have clarity to decide if the relationship is right for us!
Spiritual boundaries in dating are important because you both must have your own relationship with God. You can’t pray, read, and worship together 80% of the time. Imagine if someone was trying to be with you and your boyfriend 80% of the time. You should both have 80% of your spiritual time by yourself with God.
In a healthy relationship, two people are committed to respect each others’ boundaries. Respecting boundaries is a sign of love, respect, and Godly character. I would argue that a man that is overstepping or pushing boundaries is not a mature man of God.
This type of man may be a new believer or a believer that doesn’t strive to be a Real Godly Christian Man everyday. Remember, the Bible says we should pick up our cross DAILY and crucify the flesh so we can follow the example of Jesus Christ.
What are healthy boundaries in relationships?
Healthy boundaries in a relationship happen when two people decide to respect each other. There is no pushing of boundaries nor overstepping into roles and responsibilities that are not healthy.
There are signs that you have healthy boundaries in your relationships. Read below to learn more.
14 Signs of Healthy Boundaries In Relationships:
- You take your time getting to know the person. You don’t rush to let them into your life too quickly.
- You are happy with or without the other person. You aren’t trying to people please to keep them in your life. You can be yourself.
- There is no thought policing. Everyone is able to have feelings without having to share them. Thoughts are private for a reason.
- People share their emotions without blaming the other for causing them. They share knowing that there is two sides to the story.
- Each partner goes to God for happiness and peace. They do not expect their partner to cheer them up or make them happy.
- Intimacy in Christian dating should be mental and spiritual. It shouldn’t be overly emotional or physical. God should be satisfying your physical and emotional needs.
- You are not expected to be like your partner. You respect each others difference and you learn to love them the way they are.
- The partners are not codependent. They don’t need each other to feel good.
- The God Complex isn’t present. The two partners don’t need to fix or make each other feel loved or special.
- No means no. No one is pushing the other person to say or do something they don’t want.
- The relationship is free from control, manipulation, and gas-lighting.
- You feel respected and you respect your partner.
- You aren’t punished when you do something wrong or that the person doesn’t like.
- Both partners can take responsibility, apologize, and grow to become better people. There is no blame-shifting, guilt tripping, or massive amounts of shame in your relationship.
- They don’t keep telling you the same thing over and over again. They may give you opinions but don’t force their thoughts on you. You are allowed to decide your diet, money, fitness, etc.
- Examples of physical boundaries in relationships: Avoiding being overly physical, avoid being alone or alone for long periods, Have an accountability partner to talk to them about it, Avoid laying down together, Avoid kissing make out sessions, avoid talking about physical and emotional things that lead to physical connect, and being aware of what both peoples’ struggles are and making boundaries to keep each other from stumbling.