As I read online there is a a lot of anger targeted towards men with dysfunctional and narcissistic tendencies. Trust me, I understand why. Yet, I feel there isn’t much conversation centered around the reasons women are lured and then caught in their sticky web.
My curiosity led me to ask these questions: Why do you enter relationships with men that have never felt loved or highly self-absorbed men? Why did you stay when you realized the relationship was one-sided? Why are you mostly dating men that want to take more than they give? Do victims of narcissists have a strong tendency to people please and enable toxic behavior?
After deep thought, I realized something by evaluating my own relational patterns. Dysfunctional men typically have never “felt loved.” Love is a little taste of heaven and the MOST powerful drug that the human mind can experience. He seeks women who are powerfully attracted to him and who will give him a love high that makes him feel power-FULL. The dysfunctional man needs to be attached to someone that will see him as he wishes to be.
He wants women that listen, understand, comfort, nurture, and soothe all his pain temporarily. You make him feel that He is loved and worthy of something. If this describes you, then you are most likely an empath, people-pleaser, and/or enabler. Are you an Empath? Take the test and find out!
In most dysfunctional relationships, someone breaches the contract by removing and stopping the steady flow of love (remember the experience is a drug). Usually, the one that has suffered the most harm in the relationship is the one that stops giving all the love they once did (The victim). The victim usually withdraws their love after being hurt over and over again. Thus, the unloved man is upset with the victim for taking away love. For this reason, in his mind, the victim is the abuser for withholding love.
This is why there is so much blame-shifting, lying, and manipulation in toxic relationships. The person that has toxic emotions feels harmed. They see the world incorrectly. They see everyone else as the attackers. They will convince you that you are to blame too. And, because you are deeply empathetic and you understand how they feel… You’ll believe it.
Related Quiz: Why are you attracting and dating the wrong men?
Try to follow my line of thought…
- The unloved man is a big empty bucket with multiple holes. He is constantly looking for someone to fill his bucket. However, the bucket eventually empties because the holes won’t allow the love to stay inside his bucket.
- The victim of the unloved man is the water. The victim usually wants the unloved man to feel filled or fully loved. The victim overly gives and gives more than they can. Eventually, they realized that the unloved man needs more love in their bucket than they can give. The victim may then get bitter because they spent so much time filling His bucket, but now theirs is empty too!
What happened here? The victim signed up for a job that they weren’t qualified for. The unloved man entered the relationship expecting to be filled with love and everything would go well. The unloved man was himself from the beginning. The victim is the one that changed. The victim realized that the job was beyond their skill set. The victim will always change because they are not “all powerful” and do not have an unlimited source of love for the unloved man.
The unloved man didn’t lie when he said he has never felt “loved”. He is serious. He believes that the victim and past victims were liars and manipulators. The victim promised the unloved man (vocally or silently) that they’d give love. The unloved man signed up to give love if the victim made him feel a certain way (loved). When the victim isn’t able to make the unloved man feel loved – the silent dysfunction comes to the surface!
The unloved man is then upset with the victim for breaking the contract. The devaluing phase begins. In his mind, you were not a real experience because the relationship was fake. The unloved man now sees everything clearly: The victim lied and never really loved me! She was selfish! She stopped loving me because I wasn’t able to fill her. I told her I couldn’t from the beginning! She tricked me! He wanted unconditional love and you weren’t able to love him past his selfishness. The unloved man feels justified in painting you as the bad guy because he believes you never really loved him.
Related Post: Can Narcissists Change? The Answer is Complicated!
The victim and the unloved man are caught in a war of what they “think” love should look like. Both, believe that relationships should make them feel powerful and fully loved. Both parties are wrong.
In the beginning, the victim felt like a “God” when she was able to fill the unloved man’s empty bucket. Eventually, she realizes that she is NOT God. She will run out of love to fill His bottomless bucket. The victim will eventually get depleted and start showing signs of emptiness: bitterness, passive-aggressiveness, selfishness, isolation, depression, obsessive behaviors, low self-esteem, unmotivated, lack of joy, etc.
The unloved man felt like a “God” when the victim was filling his punctured bucket. He hoped that this was the moment he would feel fully loved. He signed an invisible contract and he expected that both parties were going to honor it. However, he finds that this victim was just like the last… Human and incapable of giving an endless supply of unconditional love to make him feel power-FULL.
Did you catch that nugget? Both the “victim” and the “unloved man” felt like Gods by the exchange. They both depended on each other to feel good about themselves. One person is fixed and one person is the fixer.
What’s the problem with that? The only person that is skilled to fill or fix the unloved man is God. Why? Because, God can fill the unloved man and fix the holes in his bucket. This allows the unloved man to hold love in his bucket. The dysfunctional man needs God to repair his heart and perception of reality. His perception causes him to “see” people incorrectly. The dysfunctional person may perceive certain things as an “attack” or “passive-aggression” when the victim did nothing wrong. They falsely view the world as hostile and respond with hostility.
Related Article: How I Removed Painful Memories Of Him Breaking My Heart
The victim has to learn to stop trying to fill the emptiness in men. In addition, the victim must learn that it’s okay for others to feel pain and they don’t have to do anything about it. Also, the victim needs to be filled by God too.
Plot twist: The victim enters these dysfunctional relationships because their bucket has holes too! The victim gets their bucket constantly filled by "trying to fix others," "making others feel loved," and "people-pleasing."
Ultimately, the problem is both the victim and the unloved man needed to feel loved. They entered a relationship wanting to feel loved and powerful in an unhealthy manner. It was doomed from the start. They were both looking for LOVE in ALL the wrong places. Sadly, they will continue to find love in the wrong places if they don’t get their buckets fixed!
How can I stop dating dysfunctional men?
- You Need Multiple Sources For Love – You can’t receive love from one person. You need to receive love from God and multiple people. If you can’t live without someone’s love it’s codependence and unhealthy. We become vulnerable to abuse when we need one person for self-esteem and love.
- You Can’t Earn LOVE – You should feel loved by people even if you can’t make them feel better. Real love is not based on what you can do or how you can make people feel. Real love is based on who you are naturally – flaws and all.
- Acknowledge The Real Fixer – Ask God. Pray: Thank you Jesus Christ that you fix us. Thank you that you will allow us to feel loved without having to do anything to EARN love. We ask you to help our hearts become healthy so that we can have healthy romantic relationships. After praying, then follow his biblical wisdom as he heals you.
- Learn more about What Causes Toxic Relationships? and Strategies to End Toxic Generational Patterns In Relationships! Learn more tips to stop this cycle by downloading the free e-book, The Heart Detox.