Are your emotional needs not being met in marriage, friendships, etc.? Does your partner often trigger you to feel sadness, anger, and frustration? Consider, they may not be meeting your emotional needs.
Emotional needs are things that we desire to make us feel good and happy. We all enter into relationships with unhealthy needs and expectations. The problem starts when you use control, attachment, guilt, silent treatment, manipulation, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, revenge, etc. to meet those needs.
What are emotional triggers?
When someone’s needs aren’t met usually people trigger. Trigger means that the person acts out of character in anger, control, manipulation, or other toxic coping mechanisms.
These toxic strategies are usually used to get what they want. Most people are not fully aware that they are forcing you to give them what they want through these methods, because they don’t even fully understand how the situation hurt them. Unless people learn to heal and find the right source to meet their psychological needs, they will destroy most relationships.
Here is a list of the most common emotional needs in a relationship or friendship:
- To feel wanted to special.
- To feel happy.
- To feel beautiful.
- To feel safe.
- To be provided for financially.
- To have sexual desires met.
- To feel understood.
- A best friend.
- To feel better.
- To have a relationship.
If you continue to cross the boundaries of others or you’re dating someone that continues to cross your boundaries and forces you to meet their expectations and needs, you or the other person may be struggling with a mental health disorder or toxic emotions.
Related Article: Am I Toxic? Quiz + 11 Healing Tips!
#1 To feel wanted or special.
Unhealthy: You may want to be called everyday. Call the other person excessively. You may talk to men that compliment you even if you don’t like them or you don’t have a good gut feeling about them. You may get mad when your man doesn’t say I love you. Or, he doesn’t show you he loves you in the specific way you want.
Healthy: You shouldn’t need a man to feel wanted. Communicate to partner what makes you feel wanted. Learn to do things by yourself and make yourself feel special. Have a tribe of friends that want you and make you feel special. If you need help healing, therapy can help a lot.
#2 To feel happy.
Unhealthy: Do you need to be around people to be happy? Do you expect your friends or partner to do everything with you? You may want people to help you feel good and happy. OR, you feel good when you make toxic partners happy or unloved people feel loved. Do you get a high from being the best girlfriend or friend someone has had? Either way, these things make you happy because it makes you feel like a good person.
Healthy: Feel happy before a relationship. The relationship will only make your pain worse. It’s hard to work on relationship problems that will pop up when you’re wounded.
Related Quiz: Why are you dating the wrong men?
#3 To feel beautiful.
Unhealthy: Do you desire to be complimented endlessly? Do you feel upset when people don’t see how hard you worked on something? Are you upset if you man compliments another woman? You may want your man to stay away from every woman. You may date unhealthy men so you can get compliments. Or, do you date men you don’t like because they are obsessed with you? You may try to make your man jealous. Or, get jealous if his eyes come close to looking at another woman.
Healthy: Believe your beautiful and be the best and most stunning version of yourself. You shouldn’t need anyone to make you feel beautiful. Nor, should you feel that any women can replace you — you are uniquely beautiful.
#4 To feel safe.
Unhealthy: You may date men that you don’t love or that you feel won’t cheat on you. Or, you people please so that people won’t get mad. Or, you may manipulate, lie, or control others so that things can go your way. Do you refuse to date men that are too short, skinny, or underpaid? Do you test your man to see if he’s going to do the right thing? Or, would you become dissatisfied if he isn’t aggressive enough? Are you constantly worried if he will cheat? Or, that he will leave you? Do you lash out when you think he is cheating or doing something wrong?
Healthy: Height, aggression, income, and body weight doesn’t make a man safe. Take your time getting to know men, pray about it, and don’t rush. His real personality will be revealed. This will help you to choose a man you can trust and feel safe with. If you are always worried about cheating get therapy or leave the person – learn to trust or find a partner that is trustworthy. Don’t stay in relationships with people you have to control or people-please, because if the relationships starts with you using unhealthy strategies to feel safe… You’ll remain in a toxic relationships where you have to keep doing more things that you don’t like to feel safe.
#5 To be provided for financially.
Unhealthy: Do you require men to make a certain amount? You may date men you don’t like for money. You may stay in abusive situations for money. You may expect him to spend ridiculous amounts on you.
Healthy: Be financially independent. Seek the jobs and finances that you want for yourself. That way if you meet a nice guy you have wiggle room. His salary is a bonus.
Related Article: 23 Relationships Tips Men Wish Women Knew!
#6 To have sexual desires met.
Unhealthy: Do you jump into relationships, affection, and touching very quickly? Or, sleep with random men? You may focus on only your sexual needs. You may be fixated and disappointed in his sexual moves or size. You may be hard to satisfy in bed. You may love men for the physical and sexual only.
Healthy: Healthy relationships takes two people who are willing to learn how to make each other happy, it takes time and for some therapy. Uncontrollable sexual desires occur when you are stressed and cope with negative emotions via lust. Heal and you will be able to manage your desires in a way that doesn’t put you in bad situations.
#7 To feel understood.
Unhealthy: Do you do things so other person can feel your pain (revenge/passive-aggressiveness)? Or, you may over share your feelings. Do you call him constantly to talk? Or, get mad when people don’t read your mind or ask how you are feeling? Do you automatically assume what others think when they hurt you? Are you getting upset when they don’t change their behavior right away to fit your need? Do you feel okay lashing out because they don’t understand you or won’t do what you want?
Healthy: Listen to others. Learn what you want. Communicate it to others. Learn to feel OK with others not understanding you. Use patience as you wait for people to see how you feel and change their behavior. Respect that people may never change. Don’t try to control the actions and thoughts of others. Also, you must learn to vocalize your needs healthy and realize you deserve to be listened to but not obeyed.
#8 A best friend.
Unhealthy: Do you expect your friends or partners to talk to you everyday? Do you need to be around someone constantly to have fun? Do you get mad if they don’t want to do things you do? Or, you do you get mad that you both have different love languages, needs, and sense of what is fun? You may also get mad if they find the things you like boring. You may guilt people to do what you want them to. You might try to rush to make the relationship more than what it is. You may fantasize about what the person will do with you without knowing their true likes and dislikes.
Healthy: Your partner or friends might be your complete opposite. You will have to try to like what they like and vice Vera. Best friends learn to understand what each other like and dislike. Best friends aren’t built in buddies that like to do all the same things and feel all the same things. Remove the fairy tale fantasy. Be prepared disagree and compromise a lot.
Related Article: 6 Keys To Avoid Unhealthy Romantic Expectations
#9 To feel better.
Unhealthy: How do you cope with your pain? You may want to feel better so you use different methods to cope with the pain. You may use drugs, people, sex, gossiping, sleeping, anger, avoiding, etc. to deal with the pain.
Healthy: Learn healthy ways to deal with pain such as picking up a hobby, exercising, get therapy, etc. Unhealthy coping mechanism will leave you just as sad as you started. Why? Because it’s a bandaid over a wound that takes therapy, time, self-love, and reflection to heal.
#10 To have a relationship.
Unhealthy: You may jump into unhealthy relationships and have unrealistic expectation. Do you have a false belief that your relationship will be perfect and he won’t ever hurt you? Do you day dream about your perfect relationship and how it should go? Do you make large assumptions about the personalities of new friends and men? You may end up in friendships and relationships were you realize how unhealthy someone is and be very shocked!
Healthy: Have a realistic expectation that you are getting to know an imperfect human that is getting to know themselves too. There will be challenges in life and you both will act in ways that will shock each other. To learn how to be a good partner learn how to heal and give others room to heal.
Related Article: What is a toxic relationship? What causes toxic relationships?
Most people want to feel good and meet their needs but they won’t do it the right way. Will you? Want help navigating this? Sign up for your First 20 Minutes Free: 1:1 Empowerment Coaching!
How do you meet someone’s emotional needs? You can’t. When you try to meet the needs of others it can lead you into a codependent relationship. In codependent relationship the two people are consumed with making each other “feel good.” However, this will lead to problems eventually… Because, many needs that people have come from a broken and unhealed placed.
How do you communicate your needs in a relationship?
You can communicate your “desires” not your “needs”. We can never expect someone to do what we want. We will always be disappointed if we expect other people to do what makes us happy. The correct attitude is to be grateful for what they can do.
There are certain desires that are important to be met but can cross over unto the dark side. For instance, you may have a need to feel secure and safe… That is an okay desire. However, some may take the desire too far and start demanding and controlling the behavior of the other. For example, you may require he pick up all the time or feel justified in questioning your partner when they don’t meet your “need.”
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The basic emotional desires of a man and woman are similar. The man and woman want to feel loved, romanced, understood, wanted, and respected. Often, one person is so busy trying to get their need met they forget to love their partners well. Then, it become a selfish one sided relationship. Or, one person believe that the other person should do everything that they are doing… That’s still selfish… You can’t do something to get them to do what you want (that’s manipulation.)
Start asking yourself, “What are my emotional needs?” It will help you to heal and not place unhealthy expectations on your partner or friend. Ultimately, the Single Girl’s Guide To Finding Real Love, highlights filling emotional needs and other strategies to heal toxic dating patterns.