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Are you codependent? You can take this quiz to identify if you have any of the 30 traits of codependency.
Codependency can be hard to detect because you may be super independent and enjoy doing alot of things solo. However, true codependency is evident when you are feeling emotionally unstable. What do you want to do when you’re lonely, afraid, hurt, jealous, angry, etc.? Those are the moments that will truly reveal the intensity of your attachment style.
What happens if I’m codependent? Codependency is normal. Most people are dependent on someone else. While codependency is normal it NOT healthy. If you are codependent it’s important to start your healing journey. I can help you on your journey or empower you to set others on a healing journey with 20min Free 1:1 Empowerment coaching.
What is codependency?
Codependency is being dependent on people to meet your emotional, mental, or physical needs. Without the other person, you feel empty, alone, scared, anxiety, frustrated, etc. You essentially have an unhealthy attachment to the person or other people.
Am I Codependent?
Codependency causes us to be needy, search for people to give us all the answers, look for someone to make us feel safe, and expect other people to make us feel loved and better about something that bothers us: (10 Emotional Triggers + Needs That Destroy Relationships!). It also causes us to think that it’s our job to make other people feel better. Everyone must experience real happiness, love, and joy by getting it from the real source.
You nor I are strong enough to make anyone feel “better.” A codependent has a hole that needs to be fixed. When we try to fix people it will not work because we are not God. Eventually, the person’s problem or your problem will become too big to control. Codependency hides the problem for a little… But, it will eventually come to the light and cause damage in your relationship.
Extreme codependence where you experience suicidal thoughts and depression without someone to attach to is may be categorized as a mental health disorder, you can read more at Family First Interventions.
Codependence & Victimhood
Codependents usually struggle with victim mentality. The submissive codependent usually feels helpless and needs to be protected. While the controlling codependent, needs to be in control so they prevent abuse or the feeling of being helpless/a victim. The submissive and controller make the perfect pairing. One is protected and one provides protection. Together they think they can end the cycles they experienced in their childhood or previous relationhips. Read more: Victim Mentality Quiz: 25 Signs + Overcoming Tips!
30 Signs you’re in a Codependent Relationship
- Your relationship is centered on making each other feel good.
- Your relationship is going too fast and feels like a marriage without it being a marriage.
- You or they don’t feel complete, safe, nor happy alone.
- You feel like there is something off in your relationship.
- There are no boundaries — everything Is shared between you two.
- There is no “correction.” Bad behaviors go under the rug.
- The relationship is possessive and someone feels owned like property (they must constantly update about how they feel and where they are, and behave in a way that ensures one person doesn’t feel abandoned or left guessing.)
- The relationship provides a feeling of safety and security.
- One person in the relationship is controlling and the other is passive.
- One person in the relationship is always right and the other just goes along with whatever to keep the peace.
- One person feels overly guilty if they make the other feel bad, even if the person who felt bad did something wrong.
- You or they may feel jealous when love is given to someone else other than you.
You can take this questionnaire to identify if you have any of the other 30 codependency traits. The key to conquering codependency is realizing which of your traits are codependent. If you are unaware you will continue in the unhealthy patterns.
If the other person continues to cross your boundaries and forces you to meet their expectations and needs, you may be dating someone with a mental health disorder.
What causes codependence?
Codependence is usually passed down from our parents’ relational patterns. Codependent parents usually use codependent traits to raise us. For instance, they may be overly involved in our emotions. They may give us anything we need to make us feel better and fill the hole; this doesn’t give us room to learn healthy tactics to deal with our emotions nor give us room to heal with God.
This can be amplified if the parents don’t allow us to think for ourselves and teach us to trust their wisdom more than ourselves. Some had the opposite experience where their parents dependent on them for advice (in this example the child plays the adult). Either way, they are modeling and learning that the world isn’t safe and someone is the source of safety and guidance.
As a result, children raised in a codependent household will later enter in relationships and friendships where someone has the opinions and someone depends on the opinions. The individual that depends on the opinion is usually visible insecure, scared, and anxious. The controlling codependent match controls your opinion because they are scared and need to feel secure too. They stand strong on their opinion and won’t listen to outside advice because if their is something wrong with their opinion… Then, they won’t feel safe. They were raised in an environment where being right and dominance were used as a means to cope with uncomfortable emotions.
Am I a Codependent or Narcissist?
Narcissist are codependent and they date their codependent match. The Narcissist is the controller and their match is the submissive. The submissive codependent needs the narcissist to feel safe. The Narcissist needs the submissive to praise them, trust them, respect them, and submit to their demands. This dynamics makes the narcissist feel safe and confident. The submissive also enjoys the false world that the narc creates and feels protected from the dangers of the outside world. To create a safe word the narc uses control, manipulation, and other toxic strategies to shield the relationship from the painful reality that they’re both broken, scared, and can’t save each other.
Am I Borderline or Codependent?
An individual with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tends to have similar characteristics of a codependent. However, the borderline struggles so severely that it damages their career, relationships, and other areas of life. According to Mayo Clinic the symptoms of a BPD are “emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.” You can take the borderline personality disorder test to determine if you fall on this mental health scale.
Am I an Empath or Codependent?
Empaths tend to be codependent because they have a hard time seeing and leaving people in pain. The empath becomes everything the person in pain needs to survive. However, by doing that we make the person needy and dependent on us. The empath often likes to feel wanted and gains self-esteem and power from the person being dependent on them. You can understand why that happens more in this article: Empaths Attract Narcissists In Relationship: 3 Keys To End Cycle!
What is the result of a codependent relationship?
Codependents usually have short lived or toxic relationships and friendships, that end up in separation or divorce. Why? Because, these pairs often don’t FULLY love each other for who they are. They love each other because of how they “feel” or what they can “do” for each other. When one of the codependents stop pleasing the other person, the other will start to get upset… And, usually the relationship will start to fall apart.
Codependents are also more likely to date toxic partners and have toxic friendships. In fact, the unloved codependent and the empathetic codependent are likely to attract each other. Why? They both temporarily provide the love that they have never had and this match temporarily solves all their emotional needs. But, it’s temporary and not permanent.
Yes, a codependent relationship can be saved. However, both parties have to put in the hard work. I can help you start the process and empower you to finish the process! Start codependency healing and recovery with empowerment coaching NOW! You’ll get the first 20 minutes for FREE!
How to Overcome Codependency
- QUIZ: What is your coping style?
- Develop healthy coping skills: This is the task of becoming strong and dealing with emotions in a healthy manner. Many codependents need advice, support, or the comfort of something/someone during hard times. The goal is to eventually get to a point where you don’t need anyone, but it will take time.
- Break Coping Mechanisms That Are Toxic!
- Certain personality traits keep you in codependent relationships. I had a strong need to make people feel loved and I would try to tip toe around their triggers. They became consumed with being around me because it I was so focused on pleasing them… They didn’t have to feel pain. I realized I struggled with people-pleasing, enabling, and lack of boundaries.
- You have to feel loved without a partner. Do you know how to receive love?