Are you codependent? You can take this quiz to identify if you have any of the 30 traits of codependency.
Codependency can be hard to detect because you may be super independent and enjoy doing alot of things solo. However, true codependency is evident when you are feeling emotionally unstable. What do you want to do when you’re lonely, afraid, hurt, jealous, angry, etc.? Those are the moments that will truly reveal the intensity of your attachment style.
What happens if I’m codependent? Codependency is normal. Most people are dependent on someone else. While codependency is normal it is NOT healthy. If you are codependent it’s important to start your healing journey. I can help you on your journey or empower you to set others on a healing journey with 20min Free 1:1 Empowerment coaching.
What is codependency?
Codependency is being dependent on people to meet your emotional, mental, or physical needs. Without the other person, you feel empty, alone, scared, anxiety, frustrated, etc. You essentially have an unhealthy attachment to the person or other people.
Am I Codependent?
Codependency causes us to be needy, search for people to give us all the answers, look for someone to make us feel safe, and expect other people to make us feel loved and better about something that bothers us: (10 Emotional Triggers + Needs That Destroy Relationships!). It also causes us to think that it’s our job to make other people feel better. Everyone must experience real happiness, love, and joy by getting it from the real source.
You nor I are strong enough to make anyone feel “better.” A codependent has a hole that needs to be fixed. When we try to fix people it will not work because we are not God. Eventually, the person’s problem or your problem will become too big to control. Codependency hides the problem for a little… But, it will eventually come to the light and cause damage in your relationship.
Extreme codependence occurs when you experience suicidal thoughts and depression without someone to attach to. Extreme emptiness without someone can be categorized as a mental health disorder, you can read more at Family First Interventions.
30 Signs you’re in a Codependent Relationship
- Your relationship is centered on making each other feel good.
- Your relationship is going too fast and feels like a marriage without it being a marriage.
- You or they don’t feel complete, safe, nor happy alone.
- You feel like there is something off in your relationship.
- There are no boundaries — everything Is shared between you two.
- There is no “correction.” Bad behaviors go under the rug.
- The relationship is possessive and someone feels owned like property (they must constantly update about how they feel and where they are, and behave in a way that ensures one person doesn’t feel abandoned or left guessing.)
- The relationship provides a feeling of safety and security.
- One person in the relationship is controlling and the other is passive.
- One person in the relationship is always right and the other just goes along with whatever to keep the peace.
- One person feels overly guilty if they make the other feel bad, even if the person who felt bad did something wrong.
- You or they may feel jealous when love is given to someone else other than you.
You can take this questionnaire to identify if you have any of the other 30 codependency traits. The key to conquering codependency is realizing which of your traits are codependent. If you are unaware you will continue in the unhealthy patterns.
If the other person continues to cross your boundaries and forces you to meet their expectations and needs, you may be dating someone with a mental health disorder.
What causes codependence?
Codependence is usually passed down from our parents’ relational patterns. Codependent parents usually use codependent traits to raise us. For instance, they may be overly involved in our emotions. They may give us anything we need to make us feel better and fill the hole; this doesn’t give us room to learn healthy tactics to deal with our emotions nor give us room to heal with God. This can be amplified if the parents don’t allow us to think for ourselves and teach us to trust their wisdom more than ourselves.
In contrast, some children were forced into an adult role early on. Their parents were dependent on them for advice, support, or household duties (in this example the child plays the adult). In this instance, the parent need the child to feel safe or sane. This teaches the child codependent dynamics where someone in relationships should be the source of safety and guidance.
As a result, children raised in a codependent household will later enter in relationships and friendships where someone takes charge and someone follows. The individual that follows is usually visible insecure, scared, and anxious. The take charge codependent needs to play the protector because they are scared and need to feel secure too. These individual tend to be controlling, opinionated, and stubborn. A challenge to their authority shakes the foundation of the safety they’ve created. Essentially, being in charge or following someone’s lead is learnt early on. Codependents continue in that pattern without healing because safety was modeled to them in that manner.
Am I a Codependent or Narcissist?
Narcissist are codependent and they date their codependent match. The narcissist is usually dominant and has a submissive match. In this scenario, the submissive codependent needs the narcissist to feel safe. The Narcissist needs the submissive to praise them, trust them, respect them, and submit to their demands. This dynamics makes the narcissist feel safe and confident. The submissive also enjoys the false world that the narc creates. They feel protected from the dangers of the outside world. To create a safe world the narc uses control, manipulation, and other toxic strategies to shield the relationship from the painful reality that they’re both broken, scared, and can’t save each other.
However, be aware that covert narcissists are sometimes the submissive pair. This means the dominant person in the relationship can actually be codependent, but not narcissistic. The covert narcissist often operates as a victim, gains attention and support from appearing vulnerable. The dominant will feel a need to protect and avoid hurting the covert narcissist.
Am I Borderline or Codependent?
An individual with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tends to have similar characteristics of a codependent. They benefit from depending on others to make them feel better. However, the borderline struggles so severely that it damages their career, relationships, and other areas of life.
Those who struggle with borderline can be compared to a burn victim. The victim is very sensitive to touch. Similarly, BPD causes individuals to feel pain at the slightest emotional slight. According to Mayo Clinic the symptoms of a BPD are “emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.” You can take the borderline personality disorder test to determine if you fall on this mental health scale.
Am I an Empath or Codependent?
Empaths tend to be codependent because they have a hard time seeing and leaving people in pain. The empath becomes everything the person in pain needs to survive. However, by doing that they make the person needy and dependent on them. The empath often likes to feel wanted and gains self-esteem and power from people being dependent on them. You can understand why that happens more in this article: Empaths Attract Narcissists In Relationship: 3 Keys To End Cycle!
Codependence & Victimhood
Codependents usually struggle with victim mentality. The submissive codependent usually feels helpless and needs to be protected. While the controlling codependent, needs to be in control so they prevent abuse or the feeling of being helpless/a victim. The submissive and controller make the perfect pairing. One is protected and one provides protection. Together they think they can end the cycles they experienced in their childhood or previous relationships. Read more: Victim Mentality Quiz: 25 Signs + Overcoming Tips!
What is the result of a codependent relationship?
Codependents usually have short lived OR long toxic relationships and friendships, that end up in separation or divorce. Why? Because, these pairs often don’t FULLY love each other for who they are. They love each other because of how they “feel” or what they can “do” for each other. When one of the codependents stop pleasing the other person, the other will start to get upset or feel detached. Then, the relationship will start to fall apart.
Codependents are also more likely to date toxic partners and have toxic friendships. In fact, the unloved codependent and the empathetic codependent are likely to attract each other. Why? They both temporarily provide the love that they never had. This match temporarily solves all their emotional needs. But, it’s temporary and not permanent.
Yes, a codependent relationship can be saved. However, both parties have to put in the hard work. I can help you start the process and empower you to finish the process! Start codependency healing and recovery with empowerment coaching NOW! You’ll get the first 20 minutes for FREE!
How to Overcome Codependency
- Explore how you deal with emotions. Are you dependent on someone else to feel certain emotions? QUIZ: What is your coping style?
- Develop healthy coping skills: This is the task of becoming strong and dealing with emotions in a healthy manner. Many codependents need advice, support, or the comfort of something/someone during hard times. The goal is to eventually get to a point where you don’t need anyone, but it will take time.
- Break Coping Mechanisms That Are Toxic! Certain personality traits keep you in codependent relationships. For instance, I had a strong need to make people feel loved and I would try to tip toe around their triggers. They became consumed with being around me because I was so focused on pleasing them… They didn’t have to feel pain. I realized I struggled with people-pleasing, enabling, and lack of boundaries.
- Learn to feel complete without another human. Essentially, you have to feel loved, joyful, and content without a partner. Do you know how to receive love?