I had a dream the other night that my ex boyfriend was with a friend in a room. I knew they were about to have sex. She was sprawled out on the bed and I walked in. I asked him to leave and he let me know they had something to take care of. I asked, “What?”
And, he told me, “She has some wisdom to offer me.” I was pleading with him to leave and said, “I offer you wisdom and you don’t listen… What’s different now?” He smiled and ensured he had stuff to take care of. He didn’t say it, but he made me feel like I was crazy for thinking he would cheat. He was so pleasant which made me feel even more confused because I knew something wasn’t right. I still tried to get him to leave. I was very upset. He didn’t change based on my fear and He maintained a smiling face.
In the dream, I KNEW that they were having an emotional relationship and was about to have a physical one (sex). And, he was trying to lie in a clever way (omit and restructure the truth.) When I woke up and reflected, I realized that I was having a hard time trusting men and God because of the abuse episodes I’ve had with men in the past (especially that ex). How was I suppose to trust my judgement in men after that? And, how am I suppose to decide whether a man is good for me or not?
Are you dealing with a lying partner or friend? Just so you know… Constant lying in a romantic or platonic relationship is an aspect of mental abuse.
The liar doesn’t tell the truth for one or more of the 7 following reasons:
- they are afraid to admit the truth because they don’t want to feel guilt or shame
- they can’t see the truth because they see things from a selfish perspective
- they fear you knowing the truth
- feels that they don’t have to tell the truth and doesn’t realize it hurts you
- they don’t want you to leave them because you see how broken and/or selfish they are
- they fear you’ll take advantage of how vulnerable and needy they are
- they need to defend themselves from scary emotions, including love.
Lying at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t get better. In fact, it will get worse overtime. You should be wondering at this point, Am I In A Toxic Relationship? And, here are 6 Signs You Are!
Lying can be done in multiple ways. Here are 5 different types of lies told in relationships to keep victims under control:
- An Old-Fashioned Lie: the person just tells a completely untrue story.
- Blame-Shifting: the person lies about who is responsible for the problem.
- Projection: the person lies about what they feel and blames it on someone else.
- Omission: the person purposely holds back some information. This isn’t done to protect you. This is done to control you. They withhold information that would be reason to leave them or see them differently.
- Restructuring: the person will mix truth and lies together to make their own version of a story.
What is the purpose of lying in toxic relationships?
In toxic relationships, an extreme liar wants to control your mind. They want you to serve all of their selfish needs. The only person you should trust is the liar. They are afraid of you trusting yourself or anyone else, because you will leave if you see them for who they really are…. And, they are selfish and incapable of living without people that make them feel loved and good about themselves.
The lies train you to trust no one but the abuser… Since every other reality is false. This event leaves you in constant confusion and self-doubt. The Goal? You can’t access your inner power if you don’t trust yourself. The truth is, they are afraid of your inner power… If you realize you have it, they feel that you’ll leave because they are so broken. So, they keep breaking you so you’ll stay with them. It’s their subconscious tactic to keep you from reaching full awakening.
However, they learned how to emotional abuse because they too have been abused. They are giving out what they have received in their childhood, or in a relationship. Until the abuser learns to love themselves and tap into their full inner power, they can’t be in a healthy relationship. They must break other people because they are broken.
If you want help navigating emotional abuse healing, sign up for your First 20 Minutes Free: 1:1 Empowerment Coaching!
13 Consequences of Lying
Lying in the extreme is emotional abuse. These 13 effects of lying on relationships have major consequences. Until you heal from abusive lying, you will be carrying around the scars in all your relationship. The sad part is, most people don’t know they were so traumatized in a toxic lying situation and they can’t fully open up to feel love because they have walls up to protect themselves from people.
The psychological effects of lying are deeper than we can see on the surface. But, lying hurts others… period. In fact, I’m still healing 10 years later from the emotional abuse in my relationship. I realized that I felt guilty when not giving others what they wanted because I was forced to meet his need. Now, I’m learning that I’m scared to trust and open up again because of the tormenting lies.
- victims may not know how to let people in
- victims fear being too open and vulnerable
- lying to people makes them feel like they are crazy
- victims won’t trust your opinions and second guess yourself
- victims won’t value their own decisions and get confused easily
- the victim can’t access your full God-given power and gifting
- the victim will get easily confused and feel guilty for things done by the abuser
- the victim will have a hard time trusting people
- the victim will have a hard time believing God because they have been taught to distrust everyone
- victims can’t truly fall in love because you are scared to believe that love is a truth and not a deception
- you may question everyone’s motives and intentions
- you may close your hearts at the quickest sign of pain
- you may be constantly confused and codependent on the advice and safety of others
Related Article: An Empowering Letter To Women Healing From Emotional Abuse!
Is the liar addicted to lying?
Yes, someone can be addicted to lying in relationships. The psychology is it could have been their coping style for a long time and they don’t know how to stop. The only way to help them, is for you to break free from their false reality. Sometimes, they have been lying so long… they believe their lies. They may have created a false world to protect themselves.
This is a toxic coping method where they re-frame or restructure situations to make themselves feel better. They do this to avoid feelings of shame, pain, and guilt. You can read more on why they do this and other toxic method of protection (manipulation, control, numbing, etc.) in the article 6 Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms That Are Toxic!
4 Tips for Emotional Abuse Healing
I’m so sorry that you have been hurt by the words, manipulation, lies, and deceit of that broken person. I’m sorry that you are left to pick up all the pieces of the pain they caused you. And, I’m sorry that no one truly understand how broken you feel. Healing from emotional abuse is HARD!
I’ve been there. However, I didn’t stay there. I learned to use the pain to make me STRONGER. And, you can too. There is something AMAZING about you and that’s why they fell in love with you. Let me help you SEE what that is and HEAL so that you can love yourself and attract your soulmate!