dating,  Men,  self-love,  strength

6 Tips To Avoid Games & The Dark Side of Flirting

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In my article, Does He Like Me? I addressed how you can figure out the interest level of the guy you like or that is flirting with you. I also addressed how to navigate relationships with men that are very flirtatious and are seemingly stringing you along. In this post, I want to explain further what the potential dangers of flirting are!

According to Google definitions, flirting is defined as “behaving as though attracted to or trying to attract someone”.  Some would also say that flirting is “un-biblical” “playful” and “just for fun”. In my opinion, labeling what is and isn’t flirting is complicated. My golden rule of thumb is — Without the motivation to show intentional interest, flirting has crossed over to the dark side.

Flirting for fun is not healthy. Cute exchanges between a male and female awakens the desire for love and feelings that were made to be shared with our spouses. The feelings that awaken with desire for another can be blinding and disastrous. This is why the bible warns:

“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right. – Song of Solomon 8:4

So, give your affections intentionally to someone that is truly interested in dating you. Knowing the interest level of the person you’re interested in is important to guard your heart.  There is no perfect formula to figure out someone’s motives for flirting but there is foundational wisdom that you can apply.  

1. Healthy Flirting? –  Expressing interest  is healthy if you are truly interested in taking it to the next level with another person. Usually, you have feelings that are unconsciously overflowing when you speak with the person  (that some interpret as flirting).  Expressions of attraction can be shown through innocent compliments on someone’s qualities or appearance. In addition, interest can be communicated through blushing or smiling with a twinkle behind the eye.  Lastly, showing interest should be innocent and should not cross any purity boundaries – fornication, sexual touching, dirty talk, etc.

Related Post: 4 Ways To Attract Mr. Right

2. Hurt People, Hurt People –  This is a hard truth but an essential truth. Some men are flirting because they want to feel good about themselves. These type of men feel powerful walking away from an interaction with you. They may believe that they made you feel good about yourself so you benefited as well. You attracted them because you are both similar – low self-esteem. He was able to feel positive self- esteem because of your feelings for him and you received the same from him. Overall, you both engaged in an unhealthy flirting process because you needed an outside reminder of  your beauty & worth.

3. Develop Your Self-Esteem – Our feelings and vulnerability are precious and shouldn’t just be given to someone because they said, “You’re cute!” or “You have a nice smile!” Knowing that you are amazing and beautiful  will shield you from going crazy over any guy that notices you! Sweetie, you deserve to be noticed — You’re amazing! If you know that you deserve clarity and communication from a man you won’t get emotionally involved too quickly. Someone that is being flaky and vague will start to be unattractive to you if you have high standards. Knowing your worth and value will allow you to be less affected by men that are flirting for fun. You will be able to identify the real from the fake.

4. Replaying Cute Moments – Guard your mind. If you’re like me… After a cute moment with your interest you may replay the moment over and over… Then, you might play some romantic music pretending that he is communicating his affections for you! Sister, this is awakening love for someone that has not earned it!  Until he expresses that he wants to be in a relationship with you… Guard your heart and mind from “falling” in love. You have the ability to take your time and evaluate the situation properly.

5. Evaluate the Situation – I can’t give you a black and white answer to whether the guy of interest is truly interested or not. He may be playing games or he may be shy. The most important indicator in this situation is the health of your heart. Are you giving affection to someone and it feels hurtful? Do you feel like it has been months of “flirting” and he hasn’t made a move? Is he only flirting in private when you have no proof? Is he just competing for your attention when he’s around his guy friends? His motivations can be so many different things. So, after you evaluate the situation… Speak with the male and see where he’s at.

If you speak with him and he continues to play games…

Related Post: 8 Keys For Healthy Interactions With Men

6. Put Fences Around Your Heart (Boundaries) –  Ultimately, you are responsible for where you allow your heart to go. If you let someone’s flirting dictate the direction of your heart… You need to take the control back.  If nothing changed after you spoke with the person… It’s time to put up more boundaries! Specific techniques can help you to disengage from this game that will lead you nowhere!

You can start the process by limiting your interaction with the person to group situations, limiting the amount of times you see the person to once a month, and speaking with them about limited topics — nothing too vulnerable. There are multiple things to do but it really depends on the situation, the health of your heart and the type of role that person plays in your life.

I do suggest speaking with a mentor about the best ways for you to draw boundaries! OR head over to the Advice Café for specific insight from an Adorned-Heart contributor!

The truth is… You have to GUARD your heart! If another person is causing your heart to enter dangerous territory… Decide to steer it in a different direction. God withholds no GOOD thing. So, if the door with this crush is closed… God will open another door that is good for you!

Sister, you deserve the best.

For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. -1 Corinthians 14:33 ESV

Christina Daniels is the founder of Adorned Heart. She is devoted to learning about human behavior and its affects on society. She received a B.A. in Psychology and M.A. in Public Policy. She hopes to use her life and academic experience to empower & heal the hearts of women!

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