Codependency causes individuals to become dependent on others to meet their emotional, mental, or physical needs. One individual in a codependent relationship is usually the fixer, and makes the other person safe. While the other parter is usually submissive, passive, and depends on their partners strength to feel secure.
Does this sound like your relationship? Do you feel empty, a lack of purpose, weak, alone, scared, anxious, suicidal, and frustrated without the other person? If yes, you essentially have an unhealthy attachment style when it comes to relationships and very likely this is bleeding over into all other platonic relationships.
Am I In A Codependent Relationship?
Codependent relationships are based on meeting emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. These type of relationships are meant to fill voids in our souls that need to experience supernatural love. Unfortunately, codependence causes us to use humans as a bandaid for our pain. The pain will eventually leak out. Everyone must experience real happiness, love, and joy by getting it from the real source.
You nor I are strong enough to make anyone feel “better.” A codependent has a hole that needs to be fixed. When we try to fix people it will not work because we are not God. Eventually, the person’s problem or your problem will become too big to control. Codependency hides the problem for a little… But, it will eventually come to the light and cause damage in your relationship.
Extreme codependence where you experience suicidal thoughts and depression without someone to attach to, maybe categorized as a mental health disorder, you can read more at Family First Interventions.
The passive codependent goes along with everything the controlling codependent does to keep the peace. This makes the controlling codependent feel better because they feel safe being in charge. Passive codependents tend to be needy, search for people to give them all the answers, look for someone to soothe their pain or make them feel safe, and someone they can impress with their people-pleasing skills.:
The problem starts when the passive codependent becomes too confident for the controlling codependent to control. Then to make sure that the power dynamics stay the same, you’ll see the controlling codependent use manipulation, denial, lying, blame-shifting and other unhealthy methods to mind control the passive codependent into becoming someone that simply follows orders.
Related Article: 10 Emotional Triggers + Needs That Destroy Relationships!
The controlling codependent loves power and feels safe when they are in charge. They also feel superhuman when they are taking care of a passive codependent. At the root of their behavior is severe insecurity. If the passive codependent is no longer scared then they loose positive self-esteem and their purpose in life. The controlling codependent is just like the passive codependent, however, the controller learned that being in charge gives them something to feel in control of. People seek to be in control when they are scared (it’s a great distraction and instant self-esteem boost).
Codependency causes us to think that it’s our job to make other people feel better. While the controlling codependent makes sure all the variables and facts are set up in a way that makes the passive codependent feel safe.
30 Signs you’re in a Codependent Relationship
- Your relationship is centered on making each other feel good.
- Your relationship is going too fast and it feels like a marriage without it being a marriage.
- You or they don’t feel complete, safe, nor happy alone.
- You feel like there is something off in your relationship.
- There are no boundaries — everything Is shared between you two.
- There is no “correction.” Bad behaviors go under the rug.
- The relationship is possessive and someone feels owned like property (they must constantly update about how they feel and where they are, and behave in a way that ensures one person doesn’t feel abandoned or left guessing.)
- The relationship provides a feeling of safety and security.
- One person in the relationship is controlling and the other is passive.
- One person in the relationship is always right and the other just goes along with whatever to keep the peace.
- One person feels overly guilty if they make the other feel bad, even if the person who felt bad did something wrong.
- You or they may feel jealous when love is given to someone else other than you.
- You find yourself being an enabler and supporting unhealthy behavior in the relationship.
You can take this questionnaire to identify if you have any of the other 30 codependency traits. The key to conquering codependency is realizing which of your traits are codependent. If you are unaware you will continue in the unhealthy patterns.
If the other person continues to cross your boundaries and forces you to meet their expectations and needs, you may be dating someone with a mental health disorder.
What is the result of a codependent relationship?
The lifespan of a codependent relationships cannot be calculated because It depends on the awakening of each codependent partner.
When one partner stops providing for the other’s emotional needs the relationship becomes unstable. Why? Because, both were originally attracted to their partner because their needs were being met more than selflessly loving their partner for who they are. At the beginning of the relationship, they loved each other because of how they made each other “feel” or what they can “do” for each other. When one of the codependents stop pleasing the other person, the other will start to get upset… And, usually the relationship will start to fall apart.
An awakening happens when at least one partners that realizes it's not their job to make someone feel better and that they don't need the other for their inner power. In a healthy relationship, the other partner will also start this journey to undo their codependent traits. However, undoing codependence is a painful journey.
A partner that doesn’t want to change may begin using toxic coping mechanism and abusive tactics to make their partner change back to their broken and disempowered state.
Yes, a codependent relationship can be saved. However, both parties have to put in the hard work. I can help you start the process and empower you to finish the process! Start codependency healing and recovery with empowerment coaching NOW! You’ll get the first 20 minutes for FREE!